What to Do when You’re Hot


Scene: Spent the day at Busch Gardens for my older daughter’s birthday. 92 Degrees. Humid. Frizzy Hair. H.O.T.

In the car, pulling out of the parking lot…

Riley: {Raises Hand} I have a great idea!

Us: Yeah? What’s that?

Riley: Let’s go home and see me naked.

Touche’ kid, touche’. It was hot as hades and nobody’s judging. Nobody.

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The Truth about Vegans?

While scrolling through available movies, Avery spotted a movie with the word Virgin in it.

Avery: What does Virgin mean?

Me: Someone who has never had sex before.

Avery: What??!?!?! I thought a virgin didn’t eat meat!

Me: {LOTS AND LOTS of snorts, hysterical laughter, tears and belly holding}

As I was attempting to recover (total Mom fail, FYI), she then tells me how glad she is that she didn’t ask our neighbor/friend, who has been eliminating meat from her diet, if she was a virgin.

I died again.

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Things We Say in Goodwill

While in a local Goodwill today, looking at Halloween stuff, Riley spotted a pretty princess costume and loudly exclaimed, “Mom! That dress is off the hook!”


I composed myself and we continued down the aisle until an employee paused, stared at Riley, did the little aisle shuffle to get around us and said, “Hi, cutie pie!”

Once the employee was out of earshot, Riley deadpanned, “Well…that was awkward.”

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I’m a Whaaaaat?!?!

While driving out of the Target parking lot today, deep in discussion about what snack/treat Riley would get before we got into carline to reward her for not having a single potty accident all day, I hear this:

“Mama, you are a being a dick…



All busted up in long pauses just as I typed it above.

Say WHAAAAAAT?!???!?!?!?!?!?

She repeats it. This time a little faster.

“You are being A-DIC-A-LUS!”

Ridiculous. I was being ridiculous.


Mild coronary averted.

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9 Lives

Riley came screaming/whining from the kitchen after I heard what seemed to be Don scolding her. After multiple, “Take deep breaths and calm down to tell me what’s wrong” prompts, I finally understood, “Because I put the ball in my moooouuuuuttttthhhhhh….”

Homegirl has a bad habit of putting everything in her mouth as if she is eternally teething. She gets scolded regularly for her attempts at choking.

Once calmed down, I re-explain, we can’t put tiny bouncy balls in our mouths because they will make us choke and die.

“But I DIDN’T die right now!!!!!!”

Well, then. Have at it. #umnegative

No markers in this house. No small bouncy balls in this house. Pretty sure I have valid reasons for such rules.

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Art Removal

While cleaning the kitchen, Riley asks, “Mom, can you do me a favor?”

Um, what? A favor? Don’t I work for you full time?

But okay, I’ll bite. “Sure, honey, what would you like?”

“Can you please remove this art from my arms?”

{I instantly grew steaming mad as I was sure she had gotten another marker (surely left out by the 10 year old) and drawn all over herself.}



The art. She wants the art removed from her wrists.

She’s since pointed out my art and thinks it should also be removed.

How do I explain to this kid that if I remove it, we cease to exist?

She’s cool with it now, but expect her to point yours out next time she sees you…And to ask if you know how to remove it since mom is clearly an idiot.

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Muffin Thief

This is what happens when I let muffins cool on the stove…



Her head is like 3″ below sightline, so how the hell does she know what she’s grabbing?

And nevermind the HOT warning we’ve delivered since birth. We clearly don’t know what we’re talking about…

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Think Inside the Box

I don’t know why any of us ever bother to buy our children toys. Between happy meal toys and boxes, and anything outdoors, we could seriously save some money and declutter our homes if we wised up a bit.

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This box would normally give me agita sitting in my house but not only is it providing hours of entertainment, it’s almost as awesome as baby jail a playpen because she isn’t terrorizing the house while she’s in it! Whoot whoot!


I seriously keep forgetting where the heck she is since she adopted this as her new home. She doesn’t make a peep! And this gal is a LOUD kid. #noinsidevoiceavailable

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She’s having a blast and I’m in love with the old school vibe #nevermindtheipad but don’t be surprised if I ship her off to you the next time she has a tantrum over the fact that we ran out of pudding. I’ve got the packing tape at the ready…Just kidding. I’m too lazy to refill the dispenser.

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I’m just a baby.

My girls love to sing. The older one has the talent of a gnat and sounds as close to nails on a blackboard as her mama. #truestory

The younger one might have a little more talent, but that remains to be seen.

Both are funny and love to work it for a laugh. The older one recently did her own selfie version of “Funk You Up” and it makes me laugh like a little girl. The faces she makes. OMG. (When she gives me permission, I will post the video but I’m still sworn to privacy at this point.) The younger one freaks me out daily with her renditions of top 40 songs…b/c we rarely listen to the radio, so I have no clue how she gains and retains the lyrics.

Anyway, “Funk You Up” came on in the car today and the older ones starts doing her funny thang. I chime in, head bobbin’, face makin’ and all… and shout to the 3 year old to join in.

No joke. This was her response:

“I cannot sing that song. I am not a lady, I am a little girl and I speak Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star.”

Too young to rock it out but homegirl uses the word speak?!?!


Put. In. Place.

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